


Return the Favor

by suzuyaaaaa



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Hide, Jealousy, M/M, a little ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-15 13:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7224841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzuyaaaaa/pseuds/suzuyaaaaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide can't take the pain any longer. Kaneki left him, and he just wants to forget when all he can do is remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return the Favor

**Author's Note:**

> what if hide showed his sadder side abt kaneki after he and touka talked at Kamii while she was touring the school? hm I wonder

Hideyoshi Nagachika’s hand shakes as he retrieves the key to his apartment from his back pocket, and he keeps licking his dry lips while holding back tears. Hide shoves the key into the lock and twists it a couple of times before crashing into the door to push it open and get inside as quickly as possible. He couldn’t keep himself from thinking of _him_ , of his beautiful face and his dark hair, standing alongside _her_ , that damn waitress from Anteiku with her dumb haircut that restricts her vision for no reason. Hide feels another wave of tears behind his brown eyes, but he can’t stop it this time. Sadness bursts out of him, a flood breaking through his fragile barriers. A loud sob cuts the silent atmosphere around him, and Hide buries his face in his hands. Kaneki is _still missing_ ; Hide tries to keep his best friend out of his thoughts for fear of breaking down like this. It’s not like he can do anything.

Hide presses his back against the door and sinks to the floor, peeking through his fingers at his sneakers. In that moment, he despises Kaneki Ken. He despises him because he loves him so much, and he can’t stop no matter how much he tries. “W-Why don’t you love me, Kaneki?” Hide whispers out to his best friend, laughing bitterly at himself. It’s not like Kaneki could ever hear him. “I’m better to you t-than Touka. Touka’s such a bitch, you know?” Hide sniffles and drags himself up, pulling off his shoes and throwing his neon green backpack into the living room. He can feel jealousy flood through his veins, toxic and green and unstoppable. He hears the bag knock over one of his cheap lamps as he wobbles into the kitchen. Every memory, every sensation, every feeling that comes with Kaneki Ken comes back to Hide after he tried to run away from them for so long. He needs to flush them out until Kaneki comes back, if he ever does. Hide leans lazily on the freezer, opening the fridge and pulling out an entire six-pack of Bud Light beer. He remembers Kaneki came over once before they started attending Kamii, and Hide dared him to chug down an entire can of the American alcohol. Kaneki couldn’t even stomach a sip, and he raced to the bathroom to let it out into the toilet. Hide grinds his teeth and scowls at the memory, slamming the beer onto the counter and immediately drinking up one of the cans with amazing speed. He doesn’t want to remember Kaneki, not after the pain he’s been through for the past however many months. He's sick of blindly hoping for his best friend to waltz back into his life because as of right now, Kaneki might as well be dead. He misses the boy more than words can say, and it's so painful. “If I can’t forget you naturally,” Hide says, anger lacing his tone as he picks up another can, “then I’ll make you disappear.”

\---

“Ka-ne-kiiii, you should be here to dance with me!” Hide cries out as he starts playing a remix of some English song before jumping on top of the coffee table to drunkenly sway his hips. His eighth can of beer makes sloshing sounds as he dances, and it spills a bit onto his teal sweatshirt. “Ken, I’m making a mess, ha! Wouldn’t you hate that?” Hide snickers out as he lets more beer fall onto his clothing until the entire front is damp with alcohol. The bass drops and Hide does, too, trying to squat down quickly and come back up to match the beat of the song. Instead, he stays down and falls off the table ungracefully. He howls in pain before bursting into bitter laughter, drinking down the rest of his beer and tossing the can over the couch. “Would you be here to help me, Kaneki?” Hide asks as he crawls on all fours back into the kitchen, swiping another can of beer before collapsing back onto the tile. “W-Would you have even stopped me from drinking? _Hide, drinking is bad for you!_ ” Hide says, slurring his words together even more as he attempts to mimic Kaneki’s voice. “How would you even know what’s good for me?” He opens the can and taking a long sip.

“It’s not like you even care.” Hide rolls his eyes, and he grips the can tightly before bringing it up to his lips again. “I-I bet you’re hiding at Touka’s, huh? Bet you’re fucking her brains out with your _stupid kagune_ ,” he hisses. Jealousy quickly overtakes him again in his drunk state where he can’t fight these thoughts. Making Kaneki disappear was his original plan, but it backfired horribly. All he can do is remember. Hide crawls back into the living room to change the track, no longer in the mood for this woman’s voice. The new song is much sadder; he can tell that from the first note. He opts to switch the stereo off altogether before he drags himself up onto the gray couch, taking another swig. The beer trails down his chin and drops off his jawline onto his sweatshirt, but he can’t bring himself to care. “If anything, I deserve you. Who’s been by your side this entire time?” Hide imagines Kaneki standing in front of him, toying with his cuffs and biting his lip. His memory recreates the perfect image of his best friend... no, not his best friend. Or was he still Hide’s best friend despite leaving him to die like a lonely rabbit? Hide can't decide.

“I-I should be kissing you! I should be with you!” Hide suddenly yells, his hands clenching into tight fists. “You should be using your kagune on _me_ , not that purple asshole.” Hide stands up abruptly and moves the coffee table just a tad, scaring his imaginary Kaneki back a few steps. God, he’s so drunk, and his subconscious is now deciding to tell him to stop talking to himself, to fall asleep and go back to his daily life of denial, blindly praying that Kaneki would just pop up and be absolutely fine. “I-I’m your _best friend_ You should be loving me!” Hide staggers forward and trips over the coffee table, his face colliding with the floor before he can catch himself. “I talked to your stupid girlfriend today, and s-she probably doesn’t even care that you’re gone! She will never care as much as I do, Kaneki.” He tries to stand up before taking a swing at the fake Kaneki. His fist just barely misses him, and Hide stomps his foot in anger. “I’ve done so much for you, a-and you can’t even bother to return the fucking favor? How _selfish_ , Kaneki!”

Hide’s throat hurts from shrieking so much, so he just lets out incoherent yells and groans as he stalks after the imaginary boy. His beer falls out of his hand and clatters onto the ground, and the alcohol spills out and seeps through the fabric of Hide’s socks. He lets out a flurry of curses before his knees buckle, and his legs give out beneath him. “You’re the reason I’m like this!” Hide screams as he collapses, his Kaneki staring down at him with fear in his charcoal eyes. “You left me, Ken!” Hide can’t stop tears from streaming down his cheeks as a wail rips through his throat. “YOU LEFT ME!”

Hide’s declaration bounces off the walls of the house, and the apartment is filled with silence. Hide looks up to where his Kaneki was only to be greeted with the door to his bedroom. He wails again and pounds his fists into the wooden floor, sniffling, sobbing, suffering and mourning for the loss of the one person he trusted with all his heart and soul. “I-I miss you, Kaneki,” Hide whispers before pressing himself against the door, “so much. Everything is s-so gray.” He runs a hand through his sweaty, blonde hair and hits his head against the door over and over. “It’s gray, it’s gray, it’s _gray_ , and it’s _boring_ , and it’s _empty_ , and I can’t stand it, and I love you like a fucking _fool_!” Hide’s voice cracks horrendously on the last word, and he reaches up for the doorknob. He’s still blubbering as he hauls himself up onto his bed, not caring to even try changing out of his beer-soaked clothing. “H-How could you leave me?” Hide sounds like a little boy, and he’s scratching his cheek like he always does when he’s nervous. How pathetic. “Do I even mean anything?”

_Never get drunk again, Hide. You’re not yourself._ Hide agrees with his subconscious and falls onto the bed, unable to speak anymore due to the lump in his throat. _I do care about you, you know._ Why wouldn’t Hide care about himself? The honey blond buries his face in his cold pillow while in a state between awake and asleep. _Please look up at me, Hide._ Hide grunts in confusion and peeks above his pillow to see Kaneki sitting before him looking as radiant as he last remembered. The human’s throat runs dry when he sees the timid boy with his left eye transformed, all black and red and tortured. _You know that I’ll come back._ Hide shakes his head in doubt and nuzzles deeper into the pillow. Kaneki sighs and reaches a pale, translucent hand out to rub Hide’s shoulder. It’s surprisingly comforting, and Hide can’t help but succumb to Kaneki’s touch. _I’ll come back, and we’ll have a reunion without Touka to bother us. I need you to know something, though, before I go._ Hide’s senses become alert at the thought of Kaneki leaving again, and tears bite at his eyes when Kaneki gazes down at him. 

_You don’t need me. You’ve been living life so well on your own, and what am I doing? I’m making you worry!_ Kaneki beams sweetly, and Hide can’t stop his own smile when his best friend sighs and blows away a lock of black out of his eyes. _I’ll be fine, and you’ll be fine, too. You’ve saved me so much, so it’s my turn to save you. I’ll return the favor in full when I can, but I guess... this will work for now._ Hide lets a tear fall down his cheek, and the half-ghoul leans down to kiss it away. That only makes Hide cry even more, and Kaneki laughs breathily. _You’re so overdramatic, Hide._ Hide sniffles and giggles, eyes screwing shut as more tears leak from the corners of his eyes. _I’ll be back soon. I promise._ Hide nods and reaches a hand out, locking fingers with Kaneki. _I miss you._

“I miss you more,” Hide croaks, eyelids heavy as sleep begins to overtake him. Kaneki fades away into a memory again as Hide drifts into unconsciousness. It's just his subconscious talking to him, he knows that, but it feels... nice. It feels reassuring. He will be alright, he will keep on living normally, and he'll keep waiting for the day Kaneki comes home. 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact I've written all the stuff on my page beforehand so I'm just posting one after the other xd
> 
> tysm for reading, sorry for typos!! 
> 
> [hmu on my main tumblr](http://lilacgrowth.tumblr.com/) [or my tg one!](http://suzuyaaaaa.tumblr.com/)


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